Christmas break

We just returned from our big trip around Lake MyState, visiting both sides of the family. Highlights:

• J-Vo's overnight belly bloop. New Vo is now visible!
• A-Vo's memorization of and obsession with "Hark the Herald Angels Sing," causing a near-reenactment of the famous scene in "It's a Wonderful Life" in which George Bailey flips out when his daughter plays it on the piano for the 900,00th time.
• K-Di's (my sister) critique of my dad's new hat: "It's nice...it's not my favorite....actually it's kind of horrible."
• A-Vo's reaction to a suggestion that she wear a Santa hat: "It's not pink!"
• We saw not 1, but TWO movies IN THE THEATER! That makes THREE in 1 month's time!
  

A funny from my dad:

Courtesy of my dad (T-Yo):

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her,
And said,

"Hey bitch! What's in the bowl?"


That cracks me up every time.

Full-out mommyhood.

It's hard to be hip and a mommy.

For the past 2 1/2 years, I've been fighting the inevitable pull of the "mommy purse." Up until 2 weeks ago, I insisted on carrying around my small, stylish black purse that holds little more than my wallet and keys. HOwever, since A-Vo has become a potty-using machine, I've had to start carrying around extra clothes, socks, Hello Kitty underwear, and a plastic bag in case of accidents. This extra supply does not fit in my cute purse. So I've had to upgrade to the big mommy bag.

Sigh. I'm still cool, right??

Dina Lohan is psyched right about now.

Dina Lohan is doing her own brand of happy dance right now....since Lynne Spears has gone into hiding over Britney's latest antics at the gas station and 16 y/o Jamie Lynn's announcement of pregnancy to OK Magazine. Dina's all, "YES! Lindsay's outta rehab and has become BORING! Maybe NOW people will think I'm almost a good mom!!"

I don't care!

Despite the fact that I'm being outvoted 5-1, I remain committed to my belief that Little House on the Prairie is indeed a Western. And how many of you naysayers have actually read the whole series of books? I bet zero.

Which leads me to my next topic: how is it that the Marquette Golden Warriors were forced by the PC police to change their mascot to the Golden Eagles, while the Washington Redskins remain the same??? A golden warrior is a generic description of a fighter. "Redskin" is DEROGATORY. Go figure.

Dude?

D-u-u-u-u-d-e.

Potty princess

I'm sure all of you have been on the edge of your (potty) seat waiting to hear about this...but A-Vo, seemingly overnight, has become a potty-peeing superstar. She is livin' large in her Hello Kitty big-girl underwear right now.

My daughter is amazing!

Mission: impossible- ACCOMPLISHED.

Stick it on a banner on an aircraft carrier in the Gulf...I successfully completed my timecard AND got my work email access (100% b/c my nurse took my test for me, but hey. I have it. And inall fairness, I had her cheat off my OSHA tests, so we're even).

I don't wanna be no stupid grrrrl.

Timecards are dumb.

They are especially dumb when one is a salaried employee (i.e. NOT paid by the hour).

So you can imagine the surprise I had when I was told by the Human Resources chick that I had to fill one out biweekly. She handed me this 8 x 11" card, with many complex rows, columns, abbreviations, and no clear instructions. So I asked her, "How do I fill this out?" With a blank stare on her face she replied, "Um, it's a timecard. You just fill it out." Ohhhhhhhhh.

So I "just filled it out." And apparently, despite my 13 years of higher education, did it incorrectly and have since been subject to many frenzied, panicked phone calls from various accounting offices exclaiming over whether or not I was going to do it right the next time.

Because god forbid that someone who is automatically paid to work 32 hours per week notate said hours incorrectly on a timecard that looks like it was printed in 1937. And god also forbid her employer from demonstrating the secret hospital timecard language upon hiring.

Pregtastic!

Big news!

Nu-Vo is due on 6/26!!!

Who knew?

The Pet Shop Boys continue their 80's wave of popularity...by far and away, the most popular search term that leads to my humble blog is, "I've got the brains, you've got the looks."

Either that or there's a whole new generation of young'uns who watch Beauty and the Geek, but has never heard its theme song, and is looking to ME to enlighten them as to its title.

It's Opportunities, kids. Let's make lots of money!

Her first celebrity.

A-Vo had her first celebrity sighting last weekend. Can you guess who it was?

What's wrong with this picture?

Having video game tournaments at the public library.

Do people think that if they get kids to play video games within the walls of the library, that they'll be reading by osmosis? Or get smarter by just being in the building?

best line on a TV show, probably ever.

Former chief resident surgeon: "See, I was just fired from my job..."

Patient: "Shut UP! You just got fired from being a doctor and they let you cut open my ASS?!?"

FCRS: "Could you stop talking for 8 seconds and let me finish?"

Help a sister out...

1) Google my name.
2) Look at my picture on my employer's website.
3) Participate in my new poll.

Your responses will determine my next course of action...

Genius alert.

In order to get access to my e-mail, I need to complete a training session held on the hospital's educational website. Here are the instructions to log on to said website:

Your Student User ID is:
- The first 3 letters of your first name (see your time card)
- Your birth month and day (4 digits)
- The last 4 digits of your Social Security Number

If you really need to refer to your time card for the first 3 letters of your first name, perhaps employment at this facility is not in your best interest at this time....

I'm a superfreak, superfreak, I'm supah-freaky!

I'm one of those freaks that starts celebrating Christmas as soon as the last trick-or-treater leaves my doorstep I LOVE Christmas! some of you may remember the year when you received Christmas cards in July. So you can imagine my elation at finding an "all-Christmas music, all the time (ACMATT)) radio station up here in our new locale. And then you can imagine my ire and anger at fact that said station sucks butt.

What do I want to hear on the ACMATT station ? I want to hear Josh Groban belting out "O Holy Night." I want to hear "Jingle Bell Rock," "Feliz Navidad" by Jose Feliciano, and "Rockin' around the Xmas Tree." In other words, the old favorites.

I do NOT want to hear:
the Trans-Siberian Orchestra
Michael Bolton murdering "I'll be Home for Christmas"
Jingle Bells played on the banjos

OR cheesy light rock favorites the station is trying to pass off as pseudo-holiday music, such as:
Hands, by Jewel
or
From a Distance, by Bette Midler, which may well be one of the worst songs ever written.

Hey everybody!

Kids eat free at Hooter's on Sundays!

Who's up for a field trip?

I've got the brains, you've got the looks...

So, in order for me to do my job, I need access to the hospital's computer charting system. It's like, essential. So imagine my surprise when my "training" consisted of somebody handing me a thick packet with a CD and telling me to "review it, it's really self-explanatory." O-K. BUT...the email system is a different story entirely...despite the fact that I have used the hospital's email software program in 3 different hospitals since 2001, they absolutely, positively, WILL NOT activate my email account until I complete the email training session. Even after I pled my case to 3 different people.

So, in summary:
Accessing your patient's labs and other info: figure it out yourself.
Checking your email: don't even ask unless you've completed the training course.

What-effing-ever!

Thanks, Arby's!

Whoever thought that these:

were a good idea?

Southwest Mini Egg Rolls! Mmmmm!

I don't really think that Tex-Mex and Chinese were 2 cuisines that were meant to be fused.

Boring.

I'm back at work. A-Vo's back at school. Sigh. My blog has taken a turn for the boring. Hopefully, Britney Spears will soon do something shocking to bring this blog back to the cutting edge.

I guess I could send a big shout-out to the chap in Ontario who found my blog by searching Google for "find used pantyhose." Sure don't want to know why he was searching for THAT.

Blast from the past.

At Towwas's request, I went looking for our old quote boards to post some choice zingers "so people can see how funny we are when being dumb." These quotes are circa 1994-1996 and definitely R rated- we dropped a lot of F bombs back then, apparently.

I found them and will sprinkle choice selections from them from time to time. But here are some other things that I found:

1) the 90210 picture of me, Towwas, DMcG, and R-Val.
2) Jolly Time pogs.
3) A sign than says "Booty" with an arrow, clearly made by me but I cannot for the life of me remember for what reason.
4) A picture of me drawn by my sister, in which I am "b*tching about breadsticks."
5) the scorecard from a massive Scrabble beatdown: J-Vo vs. Dr. Feelgood, final score 329-206.

and, my personal favorite:

a postcard from J-Bru from Australia, with a postscript added by Towwas, that reads, "You are such a f*king wh*re- everybody knows you down here as the biggest sl*t in the universe."

Classic!

Family of Crocs.

I had sworn that Crocs would never touch my feet, b/c they "remind me too much of work." However, the good folks at Charter Communications awarded me with a pair for being such a great online customer. And then I broke down and got A-Vo a pair for school (long story).

So, I present to you, the first Vo family blog foot picture. T-Vo is still Crocless. We'll see how long that lasts. Note the cool "Charter Communications" buttons on mine. Needless to say, I probably won't be wearing these too many places.

Family circus alert!!!

An artistic, yet still anonymous picture of Mother and Child Vo.

In case any of you are wondering how the potty training is going, let me tell you this:
A-Vo can hold her pee. And she does it only while she sits on the potty, b/c godDAMN if she's going to let it out over that death trap.
On Mommy? Yes.
In bed? Yes.
All over the bathtub? Of course.
In the potty? Dear god, no way!

The Hollywood contigent

Dude, James Spader reads my blog! That is so awesome!

Welcome, my friend, and bring the rest of your A-list Hollywood friends along for the ride!

T minus 12 hours and counting...

until the Vo Board Exam #1 for T-Vo. T-minus 60 hours for me.

Checklist:
snacks? check.
directions to testing center? check.
#2 pencils? It's a computer test. Not necessary.
Layered clothing for appropriate thermoregulation? check.
GLJAB? check!

Quote of the decade:

I plan to make this my personal motto from now on:

From Sebastian Bach, former lead singer of Skid Row:

"When somebody tells me that I'm rockin' too hard, I'm like, 'You're f*king RIGHT I'm f*king rockin' too hard!!"

Because you can substitute any verb for "rock" and it's still awesome.

Hey there, Delilah!

Your song sucks! And so does your radio show!

XOXO,
J-Vo

Eh?

I would just really like to know how something that is frickin' SPRAYED OUT OF AN AEROSOL CAN can be considered organic.

Anybody? Anybody?

CNN Heroes: Battling MS with Kevin Bacon

Is that similar to having lunch with Connie Chung?

Lessons from a 2-year-old...

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him pee on the potty. Or poop.

Believe me, I've tried!

Good grief, part 2...

Anybody else yet receive the OAM 2008 calendar? And does anybody else NOT want a pinup calendar of the class of 2009? These calendars have become progressively crappy over the past 5 years....BACK IN MY DAY, when we had dialup modems and we had zoobooks, not FAcebook, the calendars had pictures of buildings. And we liked it, dammit!

Oh good grief!

Please, somebody, anybody, PLEASE tell me that somebody with half a brain also likes Britney's new single....PLEASE???

Come see!

This is one of the many reasons you should come visit us, in addition to the grocery store tour.

I would also make you brunch.

Reasons to love grocery shopping.

Anytime you move to a new place, you're always struck by the quirky things you find there, which make you think, "where the H did I move to?!?" Case in point: our new grocery store...

Here is what you see immediately upon entering said store:


It's the wall o' Roll Your Own Tobacco Products!

As you turn right, before you get into the produce section, you find yourself in the:

Wall o' Every Liquor You've Ever Heard Of and Many You Haven't!

Turning left again, you see:
Also known in some areas as, "This week's specials," or "On sale this week."

And A-Vo's favorite wall?
The Wall o' Stuffed Buffalo Head, Miniature Stuffed Buffaloes, and Frozen Buffalo Meat.

I'll take the GOOD tour.

Today, as A-Vo and I were touring around the countryside, we came across a tour bus. Not surprising as those sightings are not uncommon around here. This one, however, was notable for its tour title: "The Good Time Tour."

Makes me wonder where the Bad Time Tour will take you. To hell in a handbasket, perhaps?

World's greatest medication name:

It's pronounced, "asthma-nex." However, I think we'd all agree that it would be waaaay better if it were pronounced, "ass-man-X."

A void now filled.

Because what the world really needed was carbonated yogurt.

Thanks, Yoplait!

To be filed under: have a heart attack and die from not surprised...

Because of this.

Mark your calendars now.

Diabetes Awareness Month is in November. Prepare for your upcoming enlightenment!

The scaring of the green.

According to the masses, I apparently intimidate the crap out of the Irish.

Who knew?

FAMILY CIRCUS ALERT:

Yesterday, A-Vo was drawing. Her masterpiece looked something like this:

So I asked her, "What are you drawing?"

She replied, "Elmo and Erica." (Ed. note: 2 of her toys).

I said, "Oh, what are they doing?"

And she said, "They're just chillin'."


My daughter is the BEST!

CHOPPER....

Stinking Chopper keeps blowing my cover of anonymity, therefore his witty comments keep getting deleted. CUT IT OUT, Shep!!!!!

At any rate, he commented on how nobody buys CD's anymore and how I am losing hipness. My reply: if you can get 2 CD's for 97 cents (without having to buy 6 more selections at regular club prices in the next year, with nothing more to buy EVER!) it beats the snot out of paying 99 cents for 1 measly song. Duh!

Shrewd shopper.

Today, I got $32 worth of CD's for 97 cents. Including tax.

I rule.

Free Crocs!

I swore I would never acquire a pair of Crocs, however, because my cable provider is insisting on it, I am about to be given a free pair of Crocs.

Gotta love free stuff!

Take that, test writers!

Sodium ipodate is NOT available in the US, bitches!!!!!!

J-Vo's $25,000 Pyramid! Play along at home!

corn
carrots
spiced nuts




Things that do not belong in sandwiches.

STOP GIVING ME MONEY!!!

I am g-d sick and tired of people sending me money. In the last month, I have 1) been given twice as much money for conference tuition as I was due; 2) not billed for services rendered, and 3) given too large of a moving allowance.

And being honest and bringing this to people's attention for rectification is a ginormous pain in the ass.

G-d me and my g-d honesty and g-d need to set a g-d good example for my child!

Really?

Today I saw somebody using a pay phone. If you ever wondered if anyone ever did that anymore, apparently, the answer is yes.

Heh. Heh-heh. Heh.

2 years ago, I bought a textbook that had a chapter written by somebody I don't like very much. Thus, in a fit of maturity, I wrote "poophead" next to his name in the margin.

Fast forward to last night, when I was using said book to study for my board exam and came across my PG-rated marginalia. Hilarity ensued.

I've decided to go through our bookshelves and write similar comments on random pages for future enjoyment. After all, who WOULDN'T find a scrawled "fartface" on a page of Gone With the Wind funny?

Go away, little freaks!

Our new locale has a lot of these:


Apparently, they come from Canada, were brought to the States to be exhibited in zoos, and then escaped and started mating and migrating all over the place.

I don't like them. They look like little black skunks running across our front yard.

Not to become the Family Circus.

Being at home with A-Vo for 2 months is going to be awesome (anyone wanna come visit??? Please do!!!), but I think my blog fodder will become severely at-risk for becoming the Family Circus.
Just so you know.

So to combat this, I feel that I must expound upon the disaster that we all know as...Britney Spears. What to say that hasn't been said since this past Sunday? Well, clearly she was under the mistaken impression that bribing a man to marry you and shooting out his babies will make all your problems and unhappiness and bipolar disorder which I swear she has go away. And also that you have to practice your talents to keep them. And you can't drink 10 Red Bulls a day at 110 calories a pop and not see an ounce.

Better modelling behavior is needed, perhaps...

Yesterday, A-Vo burped. Hugely. I said, "Whoaaaa!"

She replied, "Juicy one!!!"

So today we are learning "excuse me."

Tales from the crib

It is not unusual (and rather, it's the norm) for A-Vo to talk herself to sleep. Usually, the content of her babble contains random snippets of her favorite songs, parts of the ABC's, various shout-outs (Hi Mama....Hi Dada....where Grandma?), and other words she's recently learned (Stinky feet!). We often will mute the TV and listen to her in its place.

But last night's was pretty much awesome...after about 15 or 20 minutes of pure silence, leading us to think she was asleep, we hear this bellowing emanate from the baby monitor:

"I CHECK E-MAIL REAL QUICK!!!!"

And then more silence.

She must have had a lot of messages to read.

We're here!

We have moved and are here. Yay! We all survived, as did all of our worldly possessions (so far. I still have 8 boxes left to unpack).

To summarize our moving experience:
1) Comcast sucks.
2) College students nowadays watch way too much TV. Don't whine about your student loans when you're spending over $100/month on cable. Back in my day, I watched Melrose Place once a week and liked it.
3) Movers rule.
4) Movers rule even more when they pack all your stuff for you and somebody else pays for it.
5) Honesty is the best policy, even though it's sometimes a huge pain in the ass.
6) The McFlurryTM is nowhere near as good as the BlizzardTM.
7) No work for me until 11/6!!!

Garage sale, day 2.

Unfortunately, the massive momentum that we built up yesterday came to a crashing halt today. We only cleared $9.80 by 11:15, despite the addition of a CD section and a Health and Beauty section. Therefore, we cleaned up early and called it a day. The remains of our sale are now all boxed up and ready for the Salvation Army.

Anybody want a free couch? It's sitting on the curb right now.

So this is the Vo List of Garage Sale Do's and Don'ts:
1) Sell for 1 day and 1 day only.
2) Price your items to move, except for the books. The books will go quickly anyway, so why not make some cash.
3) Be ready with EVERYTHING out and priced 30 minutes before your sale is scheduled to start, so the hardcore G salers can pick you clean.
4) Don't bargain with women who make comments on how clearly the clothes you're selling were from before you had your baby. You call me fat, you don't get any discounts.

Caveat emptor...

Dude, so today, in preparation for our move, we had a garage sale.

Holy crap. You have experienced nothing until you've thrown a good old American garage sale.

First, we made the the cardinal mistake of not having everything out and ready well before the publicized time of the sale. By 10 after 9, the hordes of vultures had descended upon our humble offerings and begun cleaning us out. T-Vo had to make a mad dash inside to find more stuff to sell, as we began to fall victim to the "drive-bys"....or the hard-core G salers who drive by the sale, gauge the goods from the road, and keep on going if the spread you've put out is not deemed adequate.


So Tim became the "stager," or the one who made our layout more aesthetically pleasing. I was the salesperson. Together, we were a lethal combination of garage sale bad-assitude who not only 1) broke even, 2) cleared $150, but 3) cut loose several large and ugly pieces of furniture, a 25 y/o TV, a VCR, a microwave, an air conditioner, and a FRICKIN' MANUAL PUSH MOWER.

Backup career choices

1) life coach
2) master cheesemonger
3) celebrity manipulator

and now, the latest addition:

freestyle rapper.

One of A-Vo's favorite games is to request that I sing a song on whatever random topic she chooses. Sometimes, I can sing an actual song. Most of the time, I make it up on the fly.

"Mama, sing racecar!"
"Mama, sing animal crackers!"
"Mama, sing swimsuit!"

and on and on...

Effin' bats

I hate bats. I really hate bats. I used to think that I had no strong feelings either way about bats, but that was until tonight, when I discovered one flying around our living room. Goddamn sumbitch bats.

It was like 2 feet long. With fangs. Dripping venom. And beady red eyes.

I hate bats.

Glass houses

Lest you think that I never cast a critical eye upon myself, please refer to and vote in my latest poll.

O.M.G.

I'm kind of in a daze right now. I'm shell-shocked. I feel weird and unnatural. Something just isn't right.

I just watched High School Musical.

Yes, I fell victim to the hype. I had to witness with my own eyes the whirlwind of cheeseball Disney pop culture that is taking America by storm.

I am so drenched in Disney wholesomeness right now that I think if I drop any F-bombs in the next 24 hours that I might have a seizure.

I'm not even really sure if I liked it, or not.

Ok then...

This weekend, I was in Downtown Grrbear's Town, at a course for Docs Like Me. It's always fun to wander around the area, because it so refreshing to be in a place where most of the tourists look dorkier than you do. Ego boost much? Anyhow, it's amusing for me to see what shopping bags people are carrying around. See, if I was going to take the time, trouble, and $$$ to shop Down There as my vacation, I think I'd go to stores that I actually don't ever get to shop in. So you wouldn't find me carrying around bags from American Eagle and Abercrombie, which by my calculations can be found in ALMOST EVERY MALL IN AMERICA. People! Come on!

It's like eating at Applebee's when you go Europe. You just don't do it.

My first concert:

Cool A-Vo.

A-Vo's first concert was a Hootie and the Blowfish event that we attended last summer. It was free and was 2 blocks from where we were staying.

Not wanting to live in my glass house and throw stones....I think that is very cool.

BOO-ya!!

according to a study by the Surface Transportation Policy Partnership (STPP), a nonprofit research firm, which draws on 2003 Bureau of Labor Statistics data, I commute to one of America's top 5 costliest-commute cities.

Did I mention that I have 5 more days of work there? Ever?

BOO-ya!!

Train wreck....

T-Vo has already moved to Our New Town, so I'm home alone, left to my own devices (which usually means watching really, really bad TV. But not the Wiggles.). Today's barely-watchable but grossly compelling program was MTV's Engaged and Underage, a program that documents the wacky and usually-dysfunctionally-horrifying events that precede the nuptials of those getting married under the age of 22. In today's episode, the groom's mom did not like the bride (I was on Team Mother-in-Law- that girl was a beeeeeeeeeyatch!). So the bride goes off on a teary, hysterical, red-faced rant to her fiance after he tried to tactfully point out to her that her personality was very different from his mom's... and she says,

"I just think it's really ignorant not to like somebody just because of their personality!!!"

Because it would be SO much better if she didn't like her because she was fat, poor, or non-white.

OMG.

You asked for it...

So that you can make an informed decision.

My eyes started bleeding while reading the website.

Poll probs

Apparently, Blogger is having an issue with my polls, and hence, they are unavailable. Despite suspicions to the contrary, I am not attempting to "rig" said polls or "disenfranchise" the masses. Therefore, please state in comment form below if you think it makes you MORE COOL or LESS COOL to take your child to a Wiggles concert. COOL in this case does NOT mean that your kid now thinks you're a rock star hipster- it means that the rest of your peer group would consider you to be cool.

Senioritis: not just for seniors anymore.

So I have 7 days of work left at my current place of employment (we'll call it "Craphole."). And THEN, my friends, I'll be a (gasp) REAL doctor!!! Finally!!! After 10 years!!! Real!

I'm celebrating by enjoying a rip-roaring, florid, fulminant case of acute-on-chronic senioritis. This means that I roll into work as late as possible, leave as early as possible, and when I'm here, I do as little as possible. I'm also violating rules and procedures wherever I can - what are they going to do? Fire me?

Today's infraction was a triple-threat violation of the dress code. I am wearing open-toed shoes and capri pants without stockings (yes, my employer requires that you wear stockings at all times. Even if you are wearing capri pants, which is like the dumbest look of all time. That's my Craphole!), and I am not wearing my ID. If I was was really going to do some violatin', I would've doused myself in 12 tons of perfume and stopped at the nail salon to get some >3/4" acrylic talons applied to my nails to complete the look. Maybe I'll save that one for my last day.

oops.

T-Vo and I went out for dinner a few days ago. After dinner, we were standing in the parking lot, and I happened to look down and see his feet. Below is a dramatic re-enactment of what I saw:
Tremendous!

NEW POLL (S)

Apparently, none of you have strong feelings about human beta blockers (the feelings of the dog contigent have been duly noted and respected). Thus, the poll closes early. Please vote in my new poll(s)!

NEW POLL.

Please vote in my new poll.

I'm totally amused by DVD extras...e.g. deleted scenes and alternate endings. My take on these is that there is a reason these were deleted in the first place...i.e., they suck.

I hope all of you grammar nerds out there appreciate my correct usage of both e.g. and i.e. all in the same paragraph. Next thing you know, I'm going to bust out with "imply" and "infer," correctly, and in the same sentence!

OMG, it's a tie!!

...between "Wow, that's totally spicy!!" and "God, that's simply overt!"

The tiebreaker will be an essay contest. Whoever writes the best comment supporting their choice will break the tie.

This is so exciting. It's like the Oscars!

Gawd!

OMG. Whoever thought that K-Fed would start being the GOOD parent of the pair??

I think monkeys might have just flown out of my butt.

Barry Bonds is a puke.

Meaning actually that he's a juiced-up, self-absorbed, arrogant cheating piece of CRAP!

Yar!!

I've seen the Godfather, but...

My sister has never seen Titanic.

T-Vo hadn't seen The Blues Brothers until shortly after we got married.

I've only read 30 pages of 1 Harry Potter book and have no plans to read any more.

BWAHAHAHA!

Enough already!

OK, crazy tree-huggers, I've had about enough of your intimidation. I already buy organic, recycle like a crazy fool, bring my own bags to the grocery store, and avoid bottled water like the plague...now get off my frickin' back about buying locally! Yar! I cannot stand the guilt that has begun to wash over me when I buy bananas. Yes, I know it is better for the local economy and environment to support local farmers, but tell me, wise ones, what I am supposed to feed my family in the winter? Pemmican?

Guilt can only go so far, though. A-Vo wears disposable diapers and I am TOTALLY fine with that. Yeah.

New poll! Please vote now:

What have I learned about my faithful readers from my polls?

1) There are about 8 of you.
2) We are satisfied with our health insurance.
3) Premade sandwiches at the gas station are scary.
4) If I were to serve you a sausage buffet, it should include bratwurst and Polish sausage.

Now for the next question...what totally made-up expression should I try to popularize using my powerful position as super-blogger? (think "major," or "MAY-jah" a la Posh)

Yeah.

Re: this tree in our yard.

Me: A-Vo, what color is the tree?

A-Vo: Ummm, pink.

Me: I think it's more red. Or maybe purplish.

A-Vo: Yeah. Purple ass.


Awesome.

Mama's busy- why don't you go color Clarence Darrow?

Today A-Vo and I went to Borders to shop for a birthday present for one of her friends. Our mission? Sticker books. The sticker books happen to be right next to the coloring books. I looked over the available coloring books, and saw the usual suspects-- Disney princesses, baby animals, Lightning McQueen, etc., when one in particular caught my eye:

Great Lawyers.

Yep, a whole coloring book dedicated to great lawyers in history.

We did not get that one.

Not Diddy. Jelly- UPDATED!

A-Vo's new fave lunch entree is the all-American peanut butter and jelly sandwich (that is the Vo genotype manifesting itself...I prefer just plain peanut butter). However, it's not readily apparent to any non-Vo what she is actually requesting when she asks for it, since she calls it "pee jelly."

Other A-Vo isms:

halicious = hilarious
shootit = swimsuit
cupchip = ketchup
mussen = mustard
happy toot toot = happy birthday to you
shabbat shalom = exactly what it sounds like

Hopefully, Grrbearm you find this slightly more amusing than The Family Circus.

Not fast. Not easy. I'll give you fresh.

Seen in the "Fast! Easy! Fresh!" section of a cooking magazine (easy dinner recipes for everyday cooking):

Recipe for Easy Lobster Blah Blah Blah:

1st ingredient: 2 live lobsters.

EXCUSE ME! If you have to kill the animal you are about to cook, it automatically disqualifies the recipe from inclusion in the fast! easy! fresh! section.

Bad, bad parents:

These people make even Britney Spears look good:

• the people we saw over the weekend feeding their toddler sugar from sugar packets off of the table at Applebee's.
• the family who dishes out the food at dinner and then each member takes his or her plate to a different room to eat it in front of a different TV. True story. Met them today. Yep. Mmm-hm.
  

Props to the Midwest!

The diagram of the locations of people visiting my blog actually updates in real time. As you can see, the Midwest is now officially kicking the West Coast's ass. Awww. Yeee. I knew my people would come through for me!

Back-up career choice #3:

CELEBRITY MANIPULATOR.

I'd love to meet and join the nameless, faceless hordes of evildoing Hollywood hangers-on whom Britney, Paris, and Lindsay are all blaming for their recent bad behavior. "Blah blah blah in with the wrong crowd blah blah being taken advantage of blah blah blah not my true friends blah blah they make me dance naked on the bar at Pure and then pay for dinner." HEY! I'd like a piece of that action. I'd be a great entourage member and wouldn't whine ONCE about being taken to the Geisha House twice in 1 week and only having a pink Sidekick gifted to me instead of the Swarovski-encrusted one.

No, read THIS one.

There was a picture of Martin Sheen reading a book in US Magazine this week. that, in and of itself, is not that blog-worthy, but the title of said book is: "1001 Books you Must Read Before You Die."

So, why read (or write, for that matter) a book about the books you SHOULD be reading? Go read one of those books.

Letters

Dear Posh and Becks,

I could give 2 flying rats' asses about you moving to the US. the way I see it- the only upside to you moving here is to possibly help Katie Holmes escape from Scientology enslavement while paying taxes in America's highest tax bracket to help support graduate medical education and Medicaid. So please, try to keep a low profile because I'm sick to death of both of you "wannabes."

XOXO,

J-Vo

Dear Nick and Vanessa,

If you don't want people taking distasteful pictures of you, then don't have sex outside.

Just a thought.

Smooches,

J-Vo

Tiebreaker.

So, the burning question of "What should Paris Hilton name her newly-minted activist organization?" ended up in a 4-way tie. So, as chairman and CEO of J-Vo's blog, I gave myself the honor of breaking the tie.

The name is:

SPOD (Sluts PO'd About Darfur)/

Thanks to all who voted! Check out the next poll, in honor of Michael Moore.

Get out the vote.

HEY! Look over HERE!!!! --------> THIS WAY!! -------->

It's a POLL. It's FUNNY.

Vote in it and make me feel happy. Bratwurst won the last one only because all 3 Vo's voted and carried the majority.

Oh....kay...

A-Vo and I went to our favorite French department store today (Tar-Zhay). I had a hankering for ramen, so we thought we'd check out the grocery section. I spotted the shelf labeled "Asian" and headed toward it. Imagine my surprise when I saw that the Asian shelf was full of canned fruit. "Huh?" I said, and looked closer. I guess Mandarin oranges now qualify as Asian food these days.

Poor A-Vo.

A-Vo would probably give her right arm for a pair of flip-flops. She wears mine all around the house, and directs me to wear them to certain places. But alas, her poor baby feet are too wide for toddler flip-flops. It's hard to be 2.

Word up to my West Coast peeps!

Yup, the West Coast is leading the pack in blog hits, although the Central Time Zone has been making a dramatic comeback over the last week. On behalf of the CMIRSASTW cast and crew, thanks California, Oregon, and Washington! Smooches!

Daddy, would you like some sausage?

I hail from Cheese State, ergo I love cheese. I also hail from Brat (pronounced "braht") State, ergo I love brats. More so since I've gotten older, actually. But I loooooooove brats. So you can imagine my excitement and delight when 1) I married a man who turned out in addition to being the love of my life also happens to love brats as I do, and 2) that the 2 of us reproduced and created a toddler who can snarf down a brat in 2 minutes and wants more.

For those of you not from the Midwest, the bratwurst is the world's greatest grilling sausage and arguably the best competitor in the Milwaukee Brewers' wiener race.

Backup career choice #2:

Master cheesemonger.

Who DOESN'T want that as a job title??

Preggers? Not so much.

All the buzz around town is that Nicole Richie might be pregnant. I would be shocked and amazed if that girl could ovulate, given her current state of emaciation. I bet she actually has this.

Another gem from RMM:

From Rich Mommy Magazine, on how to keep the kids busy while you're cooking dinner:

"' I want to help!" my daughter offers. They're words that should make any star-chart keeper proud, but at dinnertime, when all I want is 10 minutes to pan-fry a fish while my children brief me on the day's events (is that really so much to ask?), the phrase sends me spiraling into a panic."

GodDAMN if they don't describe my life right down to a T!

Back from camp.

I'm back from diabetes camp! Highlights:

• my cell phone meeting its maker in Lake Diabetes Camp.
• being told by an 8-year-old that I looked like I was "um, about 37?"
• striving to maintain an even level of hipness between myself and the 19 y/o counselors (the key? flip-flops.)
• driving the OAM reunion flip-flops to their early demise as a result.
• watching these crazy counselors do this weird, synchronized line dance to "Love Shack". So weird that I haven't seen anyone ever do that, having been actually alive when the song was first popular, but being told by one of the counselors that "it's been around FOREVER! Like, since I was in middle school!" Which, according to my calculations, was around 2001.
• sore fingers from testing OTHER people's blood sugars. Because THAT makes a lot of sense.
• finding out that camp songs have not changed at all in 20 years (I said a BOOM chicka boom!"
• Being named "Best looking in a fanny pack" as my camper award.

All in all, a week well spent!

Sigh.

OMG, Kirk Cameron...what happened??

Overheard at the Vo house...

J-Vo: "Good girl, A-Vo! You're a rock star!!"

A-Vo: "No Mama, I superstar!"

That's my girl!

Seen at the grocery store...

A harried mom, pushing her cart and 2 young sons through the checkout line. One of the boys tossed his pacifier out of the cart, onto the floor. His mom promptly picked it up, looked around furtively, and then PUT IT IN HER OWN MOUTH, licked it clean, and popped it back into his mouth.

That is so wrong on so many levels, I don't even know where to begin.

J-Vo to the rescue

On Sunday, I start a weeklong gig at diabetes camp. I'll be hanging out with 5-8 year-olds, as they wreak havoc in rural My State during daylight hours. I'm totally psyched b/c in addition to wearing an official camp polo shirt, I get to wear a fanny pack (ok, the fanny pack not so much, but the concept of what's IN it is awesome) armed with a glucometer, glucose tablets, insulin, ketostix, and the like. It's like I'm an Anti-Diabetes Superhero!

thank god for glasses

At the eye doctor's office this week, I flippantly remarked to the optometrist, "Man, what would my life have been like in 1800?" in regard to my horrible eyesight and lack of corrective lenses at that time.

He replied, "You'd probably be dead."

Pause.

"No offense!" he added helpfully.

"None taken!" I said, thinking, "damn, that's probably true!" If I hadn't fallen off a cliff, I probably would've been plowed over by a horse.

Which led me to think about all the other reasons why, in 1800, I probably wouldn't have lived until the ripe old age of 32:

• at least 1 of my many childhood Strep throat infections would have caused endocarditis.
• Probably would've come down with mastoiditis from 1 of my 10 zillion childhood ear infections.
• I don't think they had emergency C-sections in 1800!

With all the hullabaloo about the American health care system, you still gotta appreciate that's it's good to be in the here and now.

Battle of the Idols

So, both Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson have released some serious man-bashing singles as of late (trying a bit too hard to channel their inner "You Oughta Know")...I think that Round ManBashing Single in the Battle of the Idols goes to Ms. Underwood. It's way more clever and her vocals are stronger. Sorry Kel!

Overheard at the grocery store...

"Honey, you can't have both a doughnut AND Skittles before dinner!!"

Good grief.

Worship me for the rock star that I am!

Look at what was waiting for me in the mail when I returned from Reunion:



Hoo-boy! I'm one of America's TOP physicians! I must be SMART. But let's look into this a bit further....how ever did I qualify for this honor (I know, I know, you're all saying how would I NOT qualify, but let's explore, shall we?)?


My experience: none. I'm still in training.
My training: still ongoing.
My professional associations: I belong to 3, only 2 of which I'm actually active in.
My board certification: yep, did that, along with probably 2 or 3 thousand other people that year.

What a prestigious honor that has been bestowed on me. I hope I can live up to the expectations placed upon one of America's Top Physicians! And for only the low, low price of $229 + shipping and handling, I can purchase a personalized plaque to hang in my office, to proudly proclaim far and wide how amazing I truly, truly am.

I think this must be the medical version of the Council on Foreign Relations.

Please post all congratulatory comments, accolades, etc. belowL

Reunion 2007

Does anyone read this blog who WASN'T at reunion this weekend?

Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know.

So my buddy Angelina has just been named to the "prestigious" Council on Foreign Relations, a "think tank" that, if you read its press, is "the most influential organization upon US foreign policy, second only to Congress." Uh-huh. I'm skeptical of any prestigious think tank that admits people who have barely graduated from high school and "took film classes at NYU." Nothing against street smarts, but hello. You don't learn foreign policy while you're cutting yourself and making out with your brother.

ANd has everyone forgotten that this woman's profession is to pretend to be someone else? Do we even know who she IS? Gah!

Skank.

So, my buddy Paris Hilton was released from the Big House today due to some unspecified "medical condition." Funny, I didn't think that chronic skankalicious skankitis qualified for early prison release.

Any guesses on her tragic condition?

I bet tertiary syphilis.

Another gem from the shelves.

Another book I can see from here is the "International Medical Word Book." Presumably, this a book that can tell you how to say, for example, "do you need any refills today" in 300 languages. However, I am a bit suspicious of any vocabulary taught by the book who didn't think to use the word "dictionary" in its title.

Eh?

Sitting here in My Hospital's library, I looked at the reference shelf and saw a brand-new, 2007 set of World Book encyclopedias. Which leads me to wonder:

1) who uses encyclopedias anymore?
2) what DOCTOR uses an encyclopedia? Do my fellows MD's often need to write book reports on the Philippines? It's not like I walk around the ward saying, "hm, what's the pathophysiology of autoimmune hypoparathyroidism? I think I'll look it up in the encyclopedia!"

Waste of cash, I think.

Mad props to AL.

I'm sure you've all heard the anthem "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne...you know, it the moving description of the physical and personality traits of her beloved's current paramour and her mournful tale of how she wishes he was hers. My favorite line is:

"She's like, so whatever!"

Oh SNAP! No you di-int! Next she'll be hurling such epithets as "cotton-headed ninny-muggins." (name the movie, win a dollar!)

I shouldn't make fun of that- too much. I still talk like that.

WTF?

Driving in the car with someone I've met only once before yesterday, I coughed.

The other person said, "Do you have allergies?"

I said, "No, I have a cold."

She replied, "Oh. I was hoping you had allergies."

EXCUSE ME??

Thanks lady, I hope you have diarrhea.

What goes around comes around.

When you're young and crazy, staying up 'til all hours of the night, what matters most on the weekends is how late things are open. What's the latest time you can order a pizza? the latest the video store is open? The latest you can make a beer or grocery run?

But the bitter irony is when the tide turns, and you grow up, get responsible, and then reproduce- what then becomes important is how early things open. You get up at the BCD (butt crack of dawn) with your little bundle of joy and need to get out of the house, so the fact that the grocery store opens at 6 and Target at 8 AM is money in the bank. And damn Blockbuster and the mall all to hell for having the audacity to open at 10!

And another reason why you suck is....

I think that if this whole "doctor" thing fails to pan out, a good backup career for me (aside from being a super-cool rock star) would be as a life coach. I am REALLY good at telling people what they should do, and imagine what good I could accomplish by doing it on daily basis for money. It would be like "Extreme Makeover" for the soul. A win-win situation: I get to tell people how to stop being losers (stop whining! just get a job! quit adopting children from 3rd world countries!), and the losers stop, well, being losers.

What is wrong with America, part 1:

• the line ~15 people deep at Cinnabon at 5 PM, waiting to eat their daily serving of nasty, trans-fat crap. Or if you want cold, hard facts, this:

• Cinnabon®, Classic Cinnabon roll

  Measurement: 1 roll Calories: 730 cal. Protein: 0 g. Fat: 24 g. Carbohydrates: 114 g.

Dis one.

My favorite.

Sticking it to the man.

I call it "Suburban Rebellion." Note: this is not my car, although A-Vo and I did go all Thelma and Louise yesterday on the way back from MHS....we drove on a technically-closed county road because we didn't feel like taking the detour. See what I mean about tough-ass broads?

Today, AJ is winning the skank battle.

From US Weekly, re: AJ's parenting strategies:

"In fact, Jolie's preference would be to raise the children without a nanny. 'Angelina is controlling, especially with things that are dear to her, and she doesn't like the idea of another person raising her kids.'"

So instead of *a* nanny, she instead hired FOUR.

And the breaking AJ news of the day...she's taking a year off of acting. Well, that is, after she finishes shooting her current movie, she'll spend 2 months promoting the next one coming out, and then will shoot ANOTHER flick, and THEN she'll take that year off.

Skaaaaaaaaaank.

Don't mess with the Vo's.

A-Vo and I are in My Home State for a surprise visit with my parents while T-Vo is at a meeting. We drove there. Yeah, that's right, just 2 Vo chicks, hitting the open road with an ample supply books, crayons, and Goldfish crackers. We only stopped once in 7 hours, suckaz.

Don't any of you forget that the Vo women are

TOUGH-

ASS

BROADS!

Go away, already!

As a hip, seasoned music lover, I feel that over the past 15 years I have more than paid my dues, and therefore am entitled to NEVER have to listen to certain songs ever again. And that said songs should be summarily banned from the radio, never again to poison the airwaves. These songs are historically overrated and way overplayed, and I feel that erasing them from the collective memory of American pop culture would be doing the country a great service.

Be prepared to say goodbye to:

Hey Jealousy- Gin Blossoms (um, anything by GB, for that matter)
No Rain- Blind Melon
What's Going On- 3 Non Blondes

Among others!

Get a life.

Another pet peeve of mine while driving is the self-righteous slow driver. You know the ones...those priggish little goody-two-shoes who sit in the left-hand lane, going 20 miles below the speed limit because goddamnit, that's the safe thing to do (never mind the fact that they're causing a 2-mile bottleneck behind them for no good reason).

It especially annoys me when people hit the brakes when they see a cop at the side of the road 2 miles ahead. And not just tapping the brakes, but I mean a full-out slowdown to 40 miles an hour. Um, excuse me....yes, cops do pull you over and give you a ticket when you are driving too fast, but they do NOT pull you over and give you a gift certificate or a cookie if you are driving slower than the posted speed limit. .

Spoilers ahead!

If you haven't seen Last King of Scotland, and plan to, don't read further!

So T-Vo and I watched said movie last weekend. Quite a good flick, and one with many a moral message, such as the following:

In 1 scene, Idi Amin throws a party, and one of his attendees is his personal physician, Dr. Garrigan. Dr. Garrigan is bumming that night, so the good Idi provides him with not 1, but 2 prostitutes for his entertainment. However, Dr. G makes a fatal mistake by forgoing the hookers and instead decides to nail one of Idi's wives. Needless to say, its ends badly.

Which leads to the moral message:

Never look a gift whore in the mouth.

Cars and skanks.

Today my car's odometer surpassed 56,000 miles, which is pretty dang impressive since I I've only had it since The Incident of 2004, during which my old car was shot down in a blaze of glory, as Bon Jovi might say (haven't heard the story? bummer, it's a good one. All I'll say is that I never thought I'd end up on America's Most Wanted.). I commute 82 miles a day to/from work, and you know you spend too much time on the road when you start recognizing other people's cars and license plates from other trips.

In other news today, I'm having a moral crisis: I can't figure out who I hate more- Angelina Jolie, or Paris Hilton. Both have more money than God, but 1 is more altruistic, even if her motives are less than pure. But I think that neither actually believes the rules apply to them.

Your thoughts?

Don't even go there!

I wore a toe ring to P-Vo's graduation on Sunday, in the hopes of upping my hipness in preparation for being surrounded by dozens of graduated college seniors. And what did I get for my efforts? I got called a "40-year-old mother trying to be cool" by P-Vo himself.

He is dead to me right now.

Thankfully, this was this day after I got carded at the grocery store buying beer, so it didn't hurt as much as it could have.

Whatever, IT people.

The institutional internet filter used by my hospital is totally stupid. It blocks Yahoo Games and Yahoo 360 (sorry Spice!), but allows access to such educational and profession-enhancing websites as:

- YouTube
- Blogger
- TV Guide
- E! Online

You'd think that if they really wanted to make a committed effort to decreasing wasted work time, the first 2 on the list would be summarily banned for life.

what-ever.

Frickin' scared of iTunes.

iTunes is beginning to freak me out a little bit.

The other day, I logged on to look for a song I wanted to download. It was listed under the "Just For You" heading as a suggestion of something I might like.

"huh." I thought, and went on with my day.

Then the next day, it happened again, only with a song I had downloaded 2 days earlier from a eMusic.

I'm afraid that next iTunes is going to start talking to me, and then after that will start calling itself "Skynet" and launch a counteroffensive aimed at wiping out all of mankind. Thank god Arnold Schwarzenegger is governor!

Yeah baby!

I got carded at the grocery store yesterday!!!

Good grief, part 2.

Today the Vo family went on a brief shopping expedition that found us next door to Chuck E. Cheese at 9 AM. Chuck E. Cheese is OPEN at 9 AM.

As I said to T-Vo, "What, do they have a breakfast buffet?"

Because god forbid that children in American not be able to play video games and eat pizza at 9 AM on Saturdays!!

Good grief.

What are the odds that none of the THREE different types of vinegar you have in your pantry are what is required what for you want to make for dinner tonight?

Answer: 100% today.

Good grief.

What's in YOUR drawer?

The Vo family likes cheese. A LOT. Here is a list of all the different types of cheese currently located in our cheese drawer:

• shredded 4-cheese Mexican blend
• Neufchatel
• string cheese
• mozzarella
• ricotta
• Parmesan
• queso blanco
• Australian cheddar
• cream cheese
• shredded Co-Jack
• deli-style sliced Co-Jack
• deli-style sliced Provolone
• Fancy Nacho and Taco blend
• shredded 6-cheese Italian
• garlic and herb gournay cheese
• onion-flavored pasteurized cheese spread

We have a strong commitment to dairy products around here.

Dust off the couture.

As you may know, part of the fun of painting your toenails is appreciating the name of the polish color. I am currently wearing "Celebrity Bash."

I expect the invitations to start flooding in anytime now.

What 3rd commandment?

It has come to my attention that at least 2 alumni from OAM have become homewreckers (don't ask, because I'm not going to tell you. I probably already have, anyway). Ever the optimist, I think this could be used positively in admissions pamphlets:

"Worried that you might graduate as just as big of nerd as you were when you started OAM? Don't worry- our alumni homewrecker quotient is on par for the national average of other small liberal colleges. You are guaranteed a future of getting some, no matter what!"

Word.

A few weeks ago, the Vo family was at church, and A-Vo decided she had pretty much had enough about halfway through. So she and I went on walk around the back of the sanctuary. We stopped at the rack of notes people had written regarding things that wanted us all to pray for. One particularly memorable request went as follows:

"Help me in my ongoing battle against the evildoers that surround me."

Can't argue with that one.

Happy blogday to T-Bone!

Today, my friend T-Bone learned what a blog is, so can you all join me in a big, hearty welcome to the world of blogs to T-Bone?

What up, T? Here's to a future of wasting many an odd hour reading blogs while you should be reading!!

New house rule:

No kung fu kicking in the bathtub.

Who hasn't, except for philistines?

A quote from Rich Mommy Magazine (which I subscribe to because it is highly entertaining, rather than actually relevant):

"During the agriculturally bleak months, you see magazines and TV chefs offering advice on how to doctor up your vegetables to make them more appealing not only to your children but to you.

Who among us has not broiled mealy midwinter plum tomatoes with that "dusting of sugar?" "



Who hasn't, indeed? Gawd!

I'll do ya one better, little girl.

Today, while shopping, A-Vo was en fuego. First, at Target, she greeted family in the sporting goods section with an indigant, "Hel-LO!!" as if she had been standing there, completely ignored by them, for 2 hours. Then later, at the shoe store, she was happily rummaging through my purse while I browsed- when I looked back at her moments later, she was proudly waving 2 tampons around in great triumph and delight.

Have your fun now, little one! Embarrass me now!!! Give it your best shot, because before you know it, I'll be chaperoning your senior prom while wearing a hippie Ecuadorian skirt, black socks with Tevas, unshowered, doing the cabbage patch, running man, and worm while yelling "I'M A-VO'S MOM!!!" at the top of my lungs.

Exceptionally slow lane

Today at Target, A-Vo and I were making our weekly run for diapers, wipes, and cereal. Apparently, so was the rest of the civilized world. When we arrived at the checkout, it was disheartening to see that each line stretched for miles around the store. That's when we had the brilliant idea to utilize the express lane, since we had far fewer than 10 items. This strategy was completely blown to crap when the checker asked the guy 2 people in front of us if he wanted to apply for a Target credit card. Hel-LO! Idiots! The point of an EXPRESS lane is to go QUICKLY, and waiting for some dude to be approved for his Target credit card is not my idea of in-and-out service. And for god's sake! Getting the 15% discount on your purchase is only worthwhile if you are making a big-ticket purchase, which in the express lane would equate to 3 iPods and 6 digital cameras, neither of which were in his cart.

So, about 4 days later, we collected our diapers and went on our way- none the worse for the wear, but certainly having lost faith in the sanctity of the express lane.

Still hip after all these years.

One Friday night, as T-Vo and I were preparing to go to bed at 10 PM, T-Vo commented to me about how unhip we have become. But oh no! I refuse to give up on being hip. Just because I might go to bed early a time or 2 does not mean that the coolness ship has sailed. Read below as to why we're still hip:

1) I can tell you the first and middle names of both of Britney Spears' children.

2) While I might not have ever been to Les Deux, Area, Hyde, or Chateau Marmont, I do know that they are seriously hip clubs in LA.

3) While I might not have ever worn Dolce and Gabbana, Juicy Couture, or Seven Jeans, I do know that they Hot Items to own by LA's A-list.

4) My I-pod contains songs by Guster, Gomez, and Amy Winehouse. This one counts for 2, huh?

5) I have a Razr phone (granted, it is not encrusted with Swarovski crystals, but it still rocks).

6) Anna has a shirt that says, "My mommy is a rock star."

7) T-Vo has a 2-door car, and neither of us own a minivan or an SUV.

8) We saw Babel and thought that it was derivative.

9) I use words like "derivative" and "factotum."

10) T-Vo's 22 y/o brother actually enjoys hanging out with us (well, he might be pretending just so that he can play with his favorite niece...hmmm).

So, yeah. Still hip, suckaz! Domesticity will never suck the hipness out of THIS family!

11) Note the usage of "Suckaz." Seriously, seriously, mad dope hip!

Totally traumatized

So A-Vo turns on the radio this morning (yes, she can actually DO that!) and out comes "Love Shack." Naturally, A-Vo and I get our groove on and start busting out the sweet dance moves (who wouldn't?). Imagine my shock, dismay, and horror when the DJ comes on and then thanks us for listening to WWWW, "you favorite oldies station." !!!!!

What the frick frackin' F man? The B-52's are NOT oldies!!!!

I have half a mind to compose a strongly worded letter regarding their choice of programming.

Happy Doctors' Day to me!

Happy Doctors' Day to me!

All cards, presents, and floral arrangements can be sent to my home address.

I also like:

• gift cards
• treat sacks, and
• taco bars.

Bipolar much?

I love iTunes!

I hate iTunes!

What sense does it make that you can only find karaoke versions of certain songs, but not the original songs themselves?

I hate iTunes!

Sigh.

But I love iTunes.

Steve Jobs, damn you!!

Breakfast in the airport

So there I am, lugging around a suitcase and 2 purses, trying in vain to locate a toasted bagel with cream cheese for breakfast in the airport. And preferably a bagel that looked like it had been made sometime in 2007. But what did I find?

• breakfast burritoes
• breakfast pizza
• and, my personal favorite, breakfast stromboli.

Why does anyone wonder anymore why everyone in America weighs 300 pounds?

Skankalicious

For the love of god, Angelina Jolie, would you please stop collecting babies from the Third World like they were Bratz dolls? None of your philanthropy makes up for the fact that you are a skankalicious homewrecker!

In other news (not under the skankalicious heading), A-Vo dressed up as an 80's punk rock superstar for costume day at her daycare yesterday. Can you say, "hippest mom EVER?"

The apocalypse is here.

The Violent Femmes' alt-anthem "Blister in the Sun" is currently being used in radio commercials for Wendy's new fish sandwich.

What the F, man?

1) What does "going out like a blister in the sun" have to do with panko-crusted cod fillets from Wendy's?

2) Hello, sellout!

A word to the wise:

If you want to salvage any chance of receiving good medical care, don't, I repeat, DON'T refer to your doctor as "the nurse." Bad form, seriously bad form!!!

And as a bonus tip, don't call your doctor's office in a panic at 3 PM on a Friday, demanding that your prescription refill get called in immediately b/c you are all out of your pills. Guess what, loser? You were running out all week long! What failed to tip you off- the nearly empty bottle, or the line that said, "NO REFILLS?"

What kind of a doctor are you?

A question I routinely dread, because it inevitably goes like this:

What kind of a doctor are you?

Me: an endocrinologist.

Long pause. Blank stare. Huh?

Me: a hormone doctor.

Medium pause. No change in stare. Eh?

Me: Sigh. A diabetes doctor.

Oh. Then the inner voice says, "well, you are of no use to me, then!"


What makes this conversation exceptionally painful is when it's one my patients who asks me this.

Better mom than Britney

Reason #27 Why I'm a Better Mom Than Britney Spears (after the whole not-drinking, not-smoking-during-pregnancy thing, as well as the issue with undergarments....):

Yesterday, I was carrying A-Vo in from the car. It is winter and it is ICY. My foot slipped out from underneath me. Rather than drop and seriously injure my child, I held her up, ready to have myself take the fall and her land on top of me, rather than driveway. This is in direct contrast to Brit, who slipped while holding her child and carrying a beverage, and made the executive decision to save the coffee (Save the coffee, save the world?) and let the chips (or baby) fall where they may. Thank god for bodyguards!!!

And _I_ didn't even end up falling. I rule!

Blog Launch 2007

Hello and welcome to my blog. I had planned to fete the blog launch with a star-studded, red-carpet gala, but we just did that for the Super Bowl, and frankly, I'm getting a little sick of black tie. So this is all you get.

This blog marks the continuing progress of the Vo family into the 21st century. Last week: high-speed internet. This week: blog. Next week: webcam?????? Doubtful. Then I'd have to pay attention to how I look.

So, a few things to guide you through my world as notated in said blog:

J-Vo: me
T-Vo: my husband
A-Vo: my daughter
Utopia: where I live
Ghetto: where I work
OAM: where I went to college

All right, so that being said, let the blogging begin....