Heh.

Blah.

Headed back to work tomorrow. Bleah.

good grief

Pervs, all of you.

You know who you are!!!

Expiration dates

I bought some hand sanitizer today, which apparently has an expiration date of March 2010. How does hand sanitizer go bad?

Reasons why A-Vo is a rockstar:

1) the aforementioned knowledge of the lyrics to Eye of the Tiger, as well as Rehab and Groove is in the Heart;
2) her propensity for showing me a new dance move by saying, "Look at this jam-out, Mom!"
and 3) upon noticing the rock band playing during church yesterday, asked me for my cell phone so she could hold it up and sway. Seriously. that really happened.

This blog is not a democracy.

So, apparently, Les Stroud won the poll. This is suspicious b/c we all know that Bear Gryllis has the superior survival show, mostly b/c he drinks his own pee and doesn't whine nearly as much. I suspect ballot box tampering. In any case, b/c this is MY blog, I have declared BG the winner. Congrats, old chap!

Existential comics.

A-Vo was "reading" the comics the other day, and this was the conversation 2 mice were having with one another:

We're going to the wedding.
But we're not real!
Why are we going to a wedding if we're not real?
Why are we not real?



Deep, man, totally deep.

Oh snap!

My sister told A-Vo to "put that in your pipe and smoke it!!" yesterday.

A-Vo's response: "Well, put some dirt on it and throw it away!!!"

She also knows the words to "Eye of the Tiger."

3 words: greatest. Mom. Ever!

Updog.

We are attempting to teach A-Vo how to tell jokes. The following are actual excerpts of conversations held with her over the past 2 weeks:

P(arent): A-Vo, you smell like updog!
A: No I don't!

A: You smell like updog.
P: What's updog?
A: I don't know.

P: Knock knock!
A: Who is it?
P: Banana.
A: Which banana?

P: Knock knock.
A: Who is it?
P: Banana.
A: Good one, Mommy!

Back on the grid.

We got wi-fi today. Aww. Yee. You can expect more blog posts now that I don't have to sequester myself in a hole to jump on the Internet.

Updates:
A-Vo is having ear tubes placed and her adenoids removed on Monday.
She starts school after Labor Day.
I'm back to work on the 12th.
L-Vo is a tank. Her next weigh-in is next week. She sleeps through the night, give it up for my girl!!!!
I'm generally splattered with poop, pee, and puke at any given time.

So you don't drop any kids off at the pool.

Didja hear the news? Activia yogurt brings you back to an active lifestyle!

According to the commercial, if you're having diarrhea to the point where you can lounge poolside in a swimsuit, but not actually swim, all you have to do is eat some Activia, and BOOM! All better.

Whoa.

we saw 1 of these in our backyard yesterday. It is one scary looking motherf*er!

Pretty picture.

Doesn't this post make me look all edumacated and whatnot?

I'm the BEST.

Today I received the POttery Barn catalog in the mail, which was labeled "Best Customer Edition." Huh. What does one have to do to qualify as a Best Customer? Haven't bought anything from there since, oh, 2006. And how many other editions are there? Crappy Customer? CHeap-Ass Customer? MEdiocre Customer?

I don't care about your stupid carbon footprint...

I hate cyclists today. why? because some of them think that just b/c they are laminated in spandex and saving the world b/c of their non-usage of gas that they are therefore immune to the rules of the road. in this town, where you can spit and hit a scenic bike trail from pretty much ANYWHERE, the excuse of "i have nowhere else to ride but directly in front of your car" falls on deaf ears. swear to god, the next time a cyclist runs a stop sign in front of my car, they will then be running scared from my wrath.

Congratulations.

So we're sitting at storytime at the library, where the Story Lady is doing a rhyming bit on the felt board, trying to get the kids to guess the second word in the rhyme. She's trying to get them the guess "hen in a pen." They got hen, but silence soon followed. The silence was then broken by an overeager mom belting out, "Pen!!!"

And I'm all, "congratulations, lady, you smoked a bunch of 3 year olds. Way to go!"

In other, unrelated news, why is it that I can't download any GD Ace of Base from Itunes???

Why I'm not the world's worst mom...

1) You will not find a pack of cigs and a lighter in the side pocket of my diaper bag ( as seen at the park this week);
2) You'll not find me taking the little Vos out for ice cream on Mother's Day with a 12-pack of Coors Light (as seen in May).
3) Neither Vo will ever touch the floor in the pediatrician's office. Or any of the toys there. Or come within 10 feet of a sippy cup of juice that had been rolling around on the floor there (as seen at every visit).

Don't waste your time.

Much like "Blazing Saddles" is, "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle" is worthless to watch while on network TV. Just trust me.

She's here!

L-Vo was born at 8:23 AM on 6/19/08. We came home from the hospital yesterday and all are doing well!

$100,000 Pyramid: J-Vo Style

Things That Are Hard:

• Diamonds
• Advanced Calculus
• Rock Cafes

and explaining breastfeeding to your 3-year-old ("how does it come out? do you have to poke a hole in them?"

Give me a GD break.

"Entertainment Weekly: What's the deal with Brad's new tattoo?

Angelina Jolie: I drew that. We went to Davos. It's not that we were bored at the World Economic Forum, but one night we didn't have anything to do, so I was drawing on his back."

1) Because what uneducated Philistine would get bored at the World Economic Forum?!? Certainly not AJ.
2) You mean there aren't nightly rave parties at the World Economic Forum?

Phun at the pharmacy.

On my way to the pharmacy, I noticed that my benevolent Ob-Gyn conveniently left the number of refills space blank on my script for post-op* Percocet. I avoided the temptation to write in "12" and open an online Percocet store.

While waiting for my narcs at the pharmacy, I noticed that the insulin syringes are located right next to the baby oil, which is located right next to the PediaLyte. Because that makes sense.

After receiving my narcs at the pharmacy, I was amused to note that 30 generic Percs cost 2 bucks less than 30 generic Motrin. Go figure.

*Still no baby yet. I was just filling my scripts ahead of time. Calm down.

Congratulations...

to whoever voted for NIGEL. that's the only name on the list that is NOT one of A-Vo's classmates.

OMG.

Prince just turned 50.

We are OLD.

Still no baby yet.

Anybody for matzo ball soup?

I have 9 boxes of MBS mix at home. Who's ready for soup?

Random thoughts

I picked A-Vo up at school this week and witnessed one of her little friends happily chowing down on dandelions. This is the same little friend who apparently craps his pants at school on a near-daily basis (hello, pushing toilet training a little too hard, perhaps?). I know this because A-Vo gives me the daily "who crapped his pants" report on the way home from school every day. Now that I've seen his eating habits, I'm wondering if that's more than just a coincidence....

Didja know that the Pussycat Dolls are "all about female empowerment?" Seriously. I heard it on E! True Hollywood Story. Which must be why every time I hear their songs it makes me want to go vote and go to college.

New-Vo will be here in 18 days!

Blogly nonmotivated,

I have not yet had the baby. I've just been blogly nonmotivated....

I'd like to see one that was high-key.

Jenna Bush just got married, in what was described as a "low-key affair" that cost ~$100,000. Geez. If that's a low-key affair, then I guess T-Vo's and mine was so low-key that it might not have even happened. Good thing I have the paperwork to prove it.

Random thoughts:

• If you don't want people to treat you like a crazy-ass bitch, then don't act like a crazy-ass bitch.
• Dear Major Recording Artist,
• If I want to hear a live version of one of your greatest hits, it's not because I want to hear you sing 3 words and then listen to the audience of 50,000 people sing the rest. Please take this into account the next time you release a live recording. kthxby.
  
• XOXO J-Vo
• Today at Borders, I was perusing the periodicals, and was amused to find that Us Weekly is located in the "World Politics and Economics" section. Must be because of its biting and insightful commentary on the Darfur situation.
• Hooter's update:
• As advertised this week: "Are you smarter than a Hooter's girl? Trivia game at 7 PM." Answer? yes.
  

More butt talk.

Speaking of butts, I have developed the dreaded pregnancy complication of sciatica. This means that my right butt cheek hurts pretty much all the time. Also, it forces me to preferentially sit on the left side. This is the setup to the following story:

Yesterday, I was sitting on the floor with A-Vo, getting Nu-Vo's room ready (note: really, I should not be sitting on the floor. Like ever. 1) Because it takes a crane to haul my ass off the floor, and 2) b/c of the ass issue. But I still keep doing it, no matter what happens on the way up. I think I am immune to aversion therapy. Anyway.) And, I was sitting on my left butt cheek, on top of my foot. Felt OK at the time.

Fast forward 10 minutes, and A-Vo has to use the potty. So, because of the whole crane-hauling issue, I told her to go start and that I'd be there in a second. She runs to the potty, and then I hear a SPLASH!!! followed by, "I just fell in the potty!"

Being the closest parent geographically, I leapt to my feet and began running to the bathroom to fish out my toilet-water soaked daughter (picture a head, 2 arms and 2 legs sticking out of the toilet), only to realize that my left foot, as a consequence of the 100% left cheek favoritism, had fallen asleep. Totally and completely numb. So imagine me in all my pregtastic glory, trying to get to the bathroom, dragging a dead leg behind me, all the while A-Vo wailing about being stuck in the potty. I felt like Quasimodo.

Moral of the story: pregnant women should stick with chairs. Not floors.

Baby got back.

You might think that baby butts are cute and cuddly(when not covered in poop, that is). I'm here to tell you that when they're rammed up against your rib cage for 16 hours straight, they are actually wicked instruments of torture.

Trust me.

Sticking it to the man, part 2:

How to work the system at Hooter's:

Take your kid to Hooter's on Sunday, where kids eat free all day. Then have your kid order the all-you-can-eat wings special. Your order nothing. The result? Free all-you-can-eat wings at Hooter's on Sundays!

And on the 7th day, the Lord rested and ate wings at Hooters.

FYI: I pass Hooter's twice a day en route to and from work. I read the marquee for lack of anything better to look at. I have never been to Hooter's.

Mark your calendars now...

b/c barring any unforeseen early events, Nu-Vo will be making her grand appearance into the world 7 weeks from tomorrow!

What's all the fuss about?

I'm not sure why the world is in such dire economic straits. There's like 200 million bucks lying unclaimed in bank accounts all over Africa. I get at least 2 or 3 emails every day about how I can help some poor finance manager in Ghana, Liberia, or Burkina Faso cash in on the millions of unclaimed dollars sitting in his bank. Really. Why don't we use some of that to ease the world food and gas crisis? Problem solved.

Polls.

Thank goodness that all of my faithful readers are of the same mind when ordering from the DQ. For f's sake, you don't go there to get a flippin'-A vanilla cone!

In other news, I have been accused of an "increasingly bizarre" nature of my poll. Please vote in my latest poll to let your voice be heard.

Losing faith in the apocalypse.

As the dude from The Soup says, "There have been so many signs of the upcoming apocalypse that I've lost faith that it's ever going to happen. Screw you, apocalypse!!"

We're back.

From MyHomeTown, and none the worse for the wear. A-Vo and I even survived the 8-hour drive back without throwing each other out the window (thank goodness for watertowers, trains, cows, and windmills to keep her occupied), aside from 1 unfortunate water-bottle-dumping episode just shy of the state line.

Notable moments:

• seeing someone's Packers flag being flown at half-mast;
• watching MyHomeTown being transformed into a 1930's wonderland for a movie being filmed there this week, and watching the residents go batsh*t crazy over celebrity watching (have some shame, people!);
• the sign at the local porn shop that says, "ENTER IN REAR" (you pass it on the way to my parents' house- get your heads out of the gutter, people).
• A-Vo telling me while standing on my lap that she was going to "flip it, and slip it, and ride it across the street!" to my leg. Whatever that means.
• K-Yo-Di: "A-Vo, is your new car a V6 or 4-cylinder?" Pause. A-Vo: "It's green."
• Hearing my grandpa report that the new elevator in his house is actually a de-elevator, since it will only take him in 1 direction while he's in his wheelchair.
• I didn't play much Trivia. Sorry, Dr. F. I'll try to do better next year...
  

I remembered.

I remembered something....last weekend, we took a trip to ChristmasTown, MyState. Hilarious pictures to follow!

Not much on this end.

My pregnancy-addled Swiss-cheese brain (thanks, Quantum Leap) is currently preventing me from remembering any of the hilarious anecdotes that I had been saving up to post. They must not have been all that funny if I can't remember any of them.

Big weekend coming up- A-Vo and I are roadtripping to MyHomestate to visit the grandparents, and there will be Trivia, to boot. I'm stretching already...

Maybe in a few months.

I have a shirt that looks like this:

TOWWAS and I think Spice were both there when I bought it. I still have it, and considered wearing it yesterday while I exercised. But then I thought that it was probably not a cosmically good idea to wear a shirt emblazoned with "MONSTER" on the belly when one is almost 7 months' pregnant.

And today's medal of valor goes to...

ME.

Why?

Because not once, but twice, I had to wrestle A-Vo into submission in order to put eye drops in her eyes.

Stupid enteroviruses and their pinkeye.

Trick question.

Thanks to all who answered my poll. Too bad it was a trick question. A-Vo can sing all of those songs (hopefully she keeps her rendition of "Rehab" to herself while she's at school

Another sign that the apocalypse is upon us...

A few weeks ago, I heard a song that I really liked, went home, Googled the lyrics, and was stunned to learn that is was by John Mayer. Gulp. And THEN, last week, I heard another song that was quite catchy, only to find out that it was the latest from MILEY CYRUS. AAAAAAAAAAAHHH. I am becoming less cool by the second. I just hope that I don't start listening to the Wiggles...

Break out the streamers, banners, and hoopla...

Because tomorrow is Doctors' Day!!!! Oh yeah! Time to get down and party like there's no tomorrow and tell jokes about netfliximab. The celebration tomorrow will be legendary, no doubt. Which is good, since in the last week and a half, we've celebrated Palm Sunday, St. Packers Day, Purim, Good Friday, and Easter, and man, the week was shaping up to be a boring void, completely absent of any cause for celebration. But NO MORE!

In reality, I think I might be getting a free pen tomorrow.

Dorky doctor joke.

If Netflix were to become a chemotherapeutic agent, I bet it would be Netfliximab.

HAHAHAHA.

I kill me.

For the love of God, people....

...Easter is on Sunday. Take down your goddamn Christmas wreaths already!!!

XOXO
J-Vo

What's your Sawyer nickname?

Click here to find out.

J-Vo: Sugarpop
T-Vo: Imelda
A-Vo: Ladybug
K-(Yo)-Di: Chairman Mao.

*I* wanna be Chairman Mao!!!

Loserface!

Yesterday, I rode the elevator with a fellow male MD. Upon exiting the elevator, and turning the correct direction to the conference which we were both about to attend, he commented, "Wow, that's impressive! Your sense of direction is almost as good as a man's!"

He is now no longer one of my people.

You don't...

• tug on Superman's cape;
• spit into the wind;
• pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger,
• and you DON'T mess around with pregnant J-Vo, who will call the police and arrest your ass in a NY minute.

Which I did yesterday. Or at least had my people do it for me.

We'll miss you, bud.

1992-2008

Young lookin' folks.

T-Vo got carded while we were out to dinner the other night. And _I_ got carded at the grocery store after waddling up to the checkout counter in all my pregtastic glory, with a 2 year old in tow. AWWWWWW. Yee.

Dincha know?

That the best way to fight type 2 diabetes is to smear mustard on your face and look like a dumbass?

And the best way to fight type 1 diabetes is to smear BBQ sauce on your face, in a similar distribution.

Nice.

I hope that the piece of crap who stole the parking space that I was waiting for at church yesterday is pleased with himself. He can be content with the fact that:

• he stole a parking spot at CHURCH, for god's sake;
• from a pregnant mom who was there with only her 2-year-old;
• and made her park across the street and up the block.

Jerk. Face.

It's official...

New-Vo has been christened by the blog community as:

BrettFavre Oshkosh Vo.

Nice!

Hee hee.

I think that it would pretty awesome if Barack Obama chose Joe Lieberman as his running mate.

Because then you could call them "Jobama" and make up campaign songs that rhymed it with "yo' mama."

Awesome.

Whoa.

Here's a picture of my granddad, circa 1928.

Apparently, dressing up your child in ridiculous outfits and taking pictures for future blackmail purposes was all the rage back then.

Here's another:

I don't think any reader to should be surprised to learn that my granddad and his mother had a rather tempestous relationship once he reached adulthood...

Once is a fluke, twice is a pattern.

I have now had not 1, but TWO hits on my blog for the search term "World's greatest asses."

Awesome.

Call me a prude, but...

It's now societally acceptable to have "Your Va-jay-jay" in 36-point print on the cover of Cosmo? Really? Is it because TMZ and the like have actually shown PHOTOS of various celebrities' va-jay-jays when caught going commando, so now that the ice is broken, we can trumpet it from the mountaintops?

I'm also amused by the subtitle, regarding the fascinating new facts about the VJJ. Because apparently there's been a great deal of groundbreaking research on the VJJ recently. I guess there's no better scientific forum to publish said facts than in Cosmo.

To go with drunken shrimp:

I've always thought that the name of these crackers was especially hilarious- it brings to mind a bunch of Wheat Thins being pelted with rocks as punishment for shaming their family, or a bunch of wheat thins passing around a bong and discussing Kierkegard.

The masses have spoken...

And NewVo's middle name will be "Oshkosh." Now you can vote on her first name...

Grocery store serenade

Today, A-Vo and I went to the grocery store, as is our custom on Mondays. We were in the flour aisle, where I was feverishly perusing the selection. A-Vo took the opportunity to bust into a heartfelt, passionate rendition of "Go Tell it On the Mountain," which is one of her favorites. I helped her out by keeping time and chiming in here and there as I was comparing flour. Then I looked up and saw an 80+ year-old couple standing in the aisle next to us, staring at us with mouths agape with wonder.

So I said, "We believe in celebrating Christmas all year long." And A-Vo kept on a-singing and I kept on a-conducting.

You really just stop caring about what other people think of you (or what you look like, for that matter!) once you start popping out babies.

A word from A-Vo:

nmnn d bdmknn/c ..z.x,,m nz?X/ mznxbz cbv bcbxh vvvvccccccccccc vb mfgvn mmmmmmm ,./l bv cxnv m, m , mb , aaaa a A'P, BXV BZV B NJMN CXXXXXXXXXXXX V VXCVVFXD N
03/

361

Here she is...

New-Vo! A-Vo was pretty psyched to watch her little sister on the TV. She was of the opinion that New-Vo looks like a turtle.


Don't forget to vote for New-Vo's middle name!

Not always filled with glitz and glamour.

After watching such programs as "Grey's Anatomy" and "ER," people may come to the mistaken conclusion that hospital medicine is all sex, drugs, and rock n' roll. Not so. Case in point:

Last night, T-Vo was on call for the ICU. This can mean one of several things: frequent, annoying pages, emergencies requiring his immediate departure from home and preventing his return until the next day, and just garden-variety lifesaving in general. He received a call last night about a patient who was intubated, sedated, on a ventilator, and was being fed through a tube in his nose.

What was the problem, you may ask. Was he having a heart attack? Did he have a dangerous, potentially-fatal heart arrhythmia? Was he in multi-organ failure?

No. He was making stinky farts, and the floor staff couldn't take it anymore.

Never fear. He saved the day by changing the type of nutrition the guy was getting.

Yep. Medicine. Saving lives one day, fixing stinky farts the next. They should make that the motto of the AMA.

I made up a joke:

Q: What did J-Vo say to the spineless fruit farmer?

A: OMG, grow a pear!!!!!!!!!!!!!


HAHAHAHAHAHA. I kill me.

Think pink.

Can anybody guess what gender New-Vo will be?

It's actually pretty easy being green.

We lucked out this week, and were able to buy a Ford Escape Hybrid without the usual 3-6 month wait. The color is growing on us...


Mommy car? Maybe. But it's a HYBRID with SATELLITE RADIO and an IPOD ACCESS THINGIE, which means that it is still hip driving while NOT sliding all over the poorly-maintained roads of MyCity.

Sheer genius.

This sign is posted outside of my office building:


Caution!! The ice MAY be slippery! Or it may not!! You never know!! We won't take responsibility either way, because NOW YOU KNOW IT COULD BE EITHER! You've been warned!

Speech by Skeetch: Priceless

Hey everybody! Skeetch is coming to MyCity in late February to speak about Why Botswana Kicks Ass, or something to that effect. The only kicker is that it costs $10 to get in.

Which leads to me to poll the mob (with a shout-out to Bob Saget on 1 Vs. 100):

Is hearing Skeetch yap about Africa worth $10? Keep in mind that every time we heard Skeetch make a speech at OAM, it probably cost us about $6000. So $10 post-graduation is quite the bargain in comparison.

I think I'll skip the Skeetch speech and just hit the (free) reception instead. I'm such a cheap-ass.

I think my new favorite phrase is any variant of "Skeetch speech."

Freaks of the world, read my blog...

Apparently, way more Scientologists read my blog than I was previously aware. Welcome to my world of SP's, freaks!

Timecard update

Apparently, I am still failing to fill out my timecard appropriately.

Last week, I worked a 12-hour day. I was unhappy about this, therefore, as a mark of protest, I noted on my timecard that I worked said 12 hours.

I was informed today that, "If you write down that you worked 12 hours, you're going to get paid for 12 hours, so just write down 8 hours, which is what you're contracted for."

My frakking point exactly, clowns. I'm contracted for 32 hours/week, just frakking pay me for 32/hours a week and don't ask me to write down how many hours it actually is. Because apparently if it's MORE, I get in trouble. I would venture to guess that I would also get into trouble if it were LESS.

I was also told, "the reason you're supposed to fill this out is so we can keep track of your vacation days." Because it would be so much more difficult to have me complete a card stating, "How many days off did you have this week?"

Idiots.

Because I really want more skin showing than usual while I'm knocked up.

Maternity clothes suck, for the following reasons:

• too short
• too loud
• too low-cut
• too expensive
• cheaply made
• too casual
  
• or they look like they were made for a pregnant 14 year-old.
  

Oops, I did it again....

I let the Green Bay Packers get my hopes up again, only to see them dashed against the green walls of the Frozen Tundra 3 minutes into overtime.

Sigh.

Maybe next year....

Shit-tastic.

I had a pretty g-d shit-tastic week last week. Even though the wounds are slowly being healed by the fact that Packers are playing for the NFC championship AT HOME this week, I'm still not feeling very pithy. Or wry. Or profound. So here are some pictures for you to have a moment of Zen with me:


This was the view from our back deck this morning.


I made these roast pork BBQ buns yesterday.

Bueller? Bueller?

Anybody know what this:

"bekijk de afbeelding op ware grootte"

means?

It better not mean "nasty, skanky grocery store buffalo porn."

Of course it is.

The posterior pituitary is a resilient little bugger!

Ya think?

I'd like to think that, in the event of a massive psychotic break with reality that culminated in me locking myself and A-Vo in the bathroom, resulting in T-Vo calling the police to break the door down and involuntarily admit me to the psych ward, that my mom might take a break from her busy week of whoring my sister out to the media to actually fly to the same time zone in which I'd just been committed. I mean, that might be nice.

Are you listening, Lynne Spears?!?

Love the ass-sitting.

It is highly gratifying to know that my blog-reading peeps are not out putting me to shame on New Year's Eve by wild carousing, naked dancing, and drinking champagne out of their shoes while I'm at home, sitting on my ass, watching a Planet of the Apes marathon. The numbers don't lie! Let's hear it for ass-sitting-in the new year!

We got skillz.

A-Vo and I have a knack for persuading people to let us use their secret bathrooms...when I was preggers with A-Vo, in DC visiting TOWWAS, a kindly Metro employee took pity on the poor, almost-incontinent J-Vo and allowed me access to the fabled, secret Metro bathroom before I pulled a Fergie in the middle of the station. It was a scuzzy, nasty bathroom, but at that point, I would've been happy with a hole in the ground. And yesterday, A-Vo started doing the "I have to go potty NOW" dance, complete with a stilted walk (which means you know disaster is imminent) at a small market in town that doesn't have a public restroom. When I inquired about the availability of a potty, you could see the clerk's mental machinations, weighing the risks of her allowing us to use to secret employee's bathroom vs. the risks of A-Vo crapping all over her store. Thankfully, she chose wisely and the crap ended up just where it should have.

Wish I could talk myself out of traffic tickets like I can talk myself into the can.